He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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