I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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