weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
