sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
