Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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