Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
