In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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