you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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