In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
