I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
