I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize
