one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
