Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
