my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
