apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Randomize
