just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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