I puked a lego.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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