I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
