What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
