His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
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Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
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Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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