what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
