his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize