Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
She needs sedatives and a leash
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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