Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
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get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
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I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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