Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
