I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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