Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
