You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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