Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
