Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
We are all done wearing pants today
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize