i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
