I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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