As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
