i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
