i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
