I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
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