I think i peed on brittanys purse
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.