You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.