yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?