oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
It's shark week go big or go home