the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm way too hungover for life right now
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
