i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
