Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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