hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
