just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
