I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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