If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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