You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
