This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
