i wish my penis had a tongue
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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