I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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