i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
