Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
