my phone needs a breathalizer
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm way too hungover for life right now
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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