R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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