Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
