By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
