did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
