Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
