I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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