Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
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